I Went to the Apocalypse and Didn't Even Get a T-Shirt
by Ninjababe
Summary: "Why does it sound like she's getting a final briefing for a mission?" Clint asked. This is part of the "Darcy Lewis, Vampire Slayer (Semi-Retired)" universe. It happens at an undetermined time after 'Five Times Darcy Almost Saved The Day'.


Placing her duffel bag just inside the doorway, Darcy stepped into the common room of Avengers Tower where the household was watching the news.

Actually, Thor and Clint were the only ones watching the television. Bruce and Jane were reading books, Tony was working on a touchpad, Natasha was cleaning weapons, Steve was drawing, Pepper was fiddling with her phone, and Coulson was working on paperwork in a corner. "Okay, I'm ready," she said as she walked over to Coulson.

"Darcy? Why are you wearing your Asgardian outfit?" Jane asked, wide-eyed as she stared at the embossed leather pants and vest with a white t-shirt underneath.

Thor cocked his head. "Are you taking my mother out for another woman's night? If so, do you really need the weapons and to wear your armor?"

Coulson stood up and stared at Darcy. "Have you got everything?"

Yes." Darcy gave a sharp nod. "Hand axe, six stakes, extra sword, three tasers," she replied as she pointed to the duffel bag. "Short sword," she continued, pointing to the sword strapped to her back under her vest. "Plus my Asgardian daggers," she ended, pointing to the hilts sticking out of her boots.

"What is going on?" Pepper asked, putting her phone down.

"Darcy?" Natasha intently asked when Coulson and Darcy ignored the room.

Coulson nodded and crossed his arms over his chest. "And, the rules?"

Darcy took a deep breath. "Rule one: don't die."

Bruce looked concerned. "Okay, what's happening here?"

Darcy gave a little grin as she continued. "Rule two: stay hydrated and eat regularly. Rule three: check in every four hours like clockwork, call when it starts, and as soon as everything is over."

"Why does it sound like she's getting a final briefing for a mission?" Clint asked. "Damn it, stop ignoring us!"

Darcy turned to look at the rest of the room. Giving a wave, she replied, "I'll see you guys within the week. I have to go meet up with the other local girls for our ride." Picking up her duffel bag, she stalked out of the room.

Coulson sat back down and slumped in his chair. Sighing, he pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose.

"Phil?" Pepper asked, concerned.

"It's springtime," Coulson replied.

Pepper thought for a moment, then went wide-eyed. "Oh! How bad is it?"

"They're calling in all Slayers on the Eastern Seaboard. The rest are on standby if the first 'wave' fall," Phil replied.

Tony threw his hands into the air. "Okay, will someone tell me what the hell is going on? Pepper?"

"Spring is apocalypse season in the supernatural world," Pepper said softly. "They're off stopping it."

Steve stood abruptly. "Then, we should go help!"

Phil shook his head. "We can't interfere. The Council rejected the help of SHIELD and the Avengers. Unless they request assistance, we are to stay out of it."

"So, you let a young woman go off to her death?" Natasha asked, her voice low and deadly.

Coulson glared around as he gathered up his papers. "Why do you think I've been training her? When you see her next, **you** convince her not to go." With that, he stalked out of the room.

* * *

Over the next four days, someone from the tower would show up wherever Coulson was every four hours to make sure he had heard from Darcy. On the fifth day, Coulson received the 'it's started' call. Most of the residents of the tower ended up shadowing Coulson through SHIELD headquarters after word had gotten out.

After three hours of hosting the Avengers, to get some peace, Coulson took a SHIELD issued laptop and his paperwork to the tower and set up a temporary office there.

Two hours after that, Coulson's phone rang from where he had placed it on the table. Before it had rung twice, he had answered the call. "Hello? Yes? Good."

Hanging up the phone, he turned to the room. "She's only minorly injured and will be home within the next twelve hours."

"Tell me where she is, and she'll be home sooner," Tony pointed out, pulling his phone out to call his jet.

Coulson shook his head and sighed. "I can't tell you where the Council is based."

Tony shoved his phone back into his pocket. "I'm going to my workshop," he growled as he stalked from the room.

"Stark!" Coulson called out. "There is nothing in the SHIELD database giving specifics on the Council!"

* * *

"Hello, my people! I return, relatively unscathed and victorious!" Darcy exclaimed as she entered the common room and put her duffel bag off to one side. She had a large bruise on her right cheekbone, and gauze wrapped around her left forearm. "The world is safe, until next time, and I think that deserves the good stuff! Tony, where's your Scotch stashed?"

The screen was paused as the room put down what they were doing, and turned to the doorway.

"You are never getting into my single malt," Tony replied with a pointed finger. "Especially since I've seen you guzzle whisky. Heathen." He smiled widely. "Glad to have you back."

"Injury report?" Coulson asked from his temporary office area in the corner.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "Bruising to face and torso, two cracked ribs, twisted ankle, fifteen stitches to left forearm."

Coulson nodded. "Current status of injuries?"

"Ankle's healed, bruises and ribs will be one hundred percent by tomorrow morning, stitches can come out in two days."

"Should you be drinking while on pain meds and antibiotics?" Bruce asked from his seat.

"I didn't need antibiotics. And, what pain killers?" Darcy asked with a grin."I took some ibuprofen six hours ago. It's totally out of my system now. So... since Tony won't share the good stuff, shall we break out the vodka and tequila? I need to get my drink on!"

"Darcy, are you okay?" Jane asked, concerned.

"Yep!" Darcy said with a manic grin as she grabbed her duffel bag. "I'll be right back after I change into something comfortable. There better be drinking going on when I get back."

Coulson sighed as his Slayer left the room.

"What is this about?" Steve asked with a wave toward the doorway.

"She's in 'Yay! We survived!' mode," Jane replied. "She's going to drink, probably do some arm wrestling with Thor and Steve, drink some more, break a few things, drink a bit more, dance, finish the night drinking, then languish around with the hangover tomorrow. It'll calm her down."

Coulson nodded in agreement. "That's what the manual mentions. Just, don't sneak up on her until at least this time tomorrow. By then, she should be back to normal."

"Manual?" Natasha asked with raised eyebrows.

"And, if we did sneak up on her?" Tony asked at the same time with a broad grin.

"I gave my manual to Coulson when he took over for me," Jane said with a wave. "It's more of a pamphlet, but it gives the basics."

"And, Stark," Coulson spoke as he started to tidy up the side table. "I won't be responsible for the new hole you'll have if you do sneak up on her."

"Margaritas! Where are the margaritas?!" Darcy called from down the hall.

With a wide grin, Thor stood up and helped Jane stand. "I believe the phrase is 'Party on, dudes!" he stated as he lead his girlfriend from the room.

Pointed at the doorway, Tony exclaimed. "Who the hell showed him 'Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure'?"

Clint cackled as he jogged from the room.

* * *

PSA moment: Don't mix types of alcohol. If you start with vodka, stick to vodka. If you start with tequila, stick to tequila and maybe mescal. From personal experience, mixing is **bad**!


End file.
